| The gambler's face cracks into a grin, as he lays down the king of spades. |
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| You're not loose, you're wide open. |
[16 Nov 2009|12:42pm] |
Chemistry will be the death of me.
I don't get it. I'm not terrible at math, nor am I unable to understand scientific concepts... but I am absolutely terrible at chemistry. Fuck fuck fuck. If I don't pass this class then I am absolutely fucked and will be stuck in college for a whole extra year due to prerequisites and such.
I fucking hate having carpet. I'm ripping it out over winter break and sealing the concrete and then being awesome and having super cold feet all the time. And watching my bunnies slide around. (Nah, I'll give them area rugs.)
If you want to see a movie that is so incredibly bad it is kinda good, go see 2012.
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[05 Nov 2009|08:23pm] |
Next semester, assuming I get all of my classes (which I always have), I'll be taking 17 units.
Monday and Wednesday: Chem 110 from 12:30-4:45 and PreCalculus from 6:30-8:45
Tuesday: Biology lecture and lab from 11-3:45 and Trigonometry from 5-6:15
Thursday: Biology lecture from 11-12:15 and Trigonometry from 5-6:15
Kill me now.
I'm taking Bio 202 again. I haven't failed and would likely get a C, but I cannot afford a C in bio and am just going to retake it. However, that is the only class I'm worried about not getting, because I cannot register for it until the semester ends and it might already be full. If I'm not able to get in this class, then I will be fucked, because then that would put off Bio 204 until Spring 2011, which would suck.
I'm going to go down to working one day a week (Saturdays). I'll talk to Denny and take him up on the monthly allowance he offered after my mom died, which I haven't taken before, but will next semester. I'm going to cancel my cable, too. I won't have time to dick around with stupid TV.
I fucked up royally this semester. I cannot let that happen again, ever. How the fuck am I going to get into vet school? How the fuck am I going to handle vet school if I cannot handle the classes I had this semester because of a few life challenges?
I have to do well. I can do well. Being a vet is the only thing in the world I want to do and I would regret my entire adulthood if I didn't do it. What's the next 8 or so years of misery compared to the rest of my life? I can do it.
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[27 Oct 2009|07:25pm] |
I'm extremely disappointed in the lack of horror films they play on TV in October. It seems to get less and less every year.
I remember a long time ago I spent the whole month of October at home so I could just watch all of the movies on TV. I even struggled with which one to choose.
Now the only fucking movie on is Halloween. Every fucking night for the past 3 days. Back in the day, the horror movies started playing on October 1st, not October 26th.
I mean, it's a great movie and I get it, it's name is what makes it so exciting to play around this time of year... but what about the other classics that used to get played all throughout October? Carrie, Psycho, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining, etc. etc.? And before and after the classics they played cheesier movies like Chucky and Saw and Sci Fi originals all the time.
There is absolutely nothing on this year, and I really don't give a shit about Halloween anymore because of it.
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| (pointless) realization |
[19 Oct 2009|07:01pm] |
Ever seen the show Disaster Date on MTV? It is hilarious and I definitely recommend it.
Anyway, it is a show where people set their friends up on a blind date. The dater and the people around are all actors and there are hidden cameras. The friend tells the actor everything that their friend hates about the opposite sex, and the actor does those things. And the whole date is just an insane mess and hilarious.
Anyway, I was watching it today... and who was on it? A girl from my middle school and high school. In middle school, I was SO jealous of her. She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen, was popular, rich, etc. etc.
Like this was jealousy that consumed me. We road the bus together and we talked a couple of times. She was nice, but very shallow and definitely the stereotypical girl who got by on her looks (not very smart, not very funny, etc.). One time, she told me she was jealous of my boobs. OMG. I couldn't believe it. That compliment seriously stuck with me forever.
When I saw her on TV (keep in mind I hadn't thought about her in a long time) I did not feel jealous at all anymore. She is still gorgeous, but so what? A lot of people are. I understand why I was jealous in middle school... product of low self esteem I guess. But it is really nice to have good self esteem now and not be a very jealous person in general.
This was a pointless post. I just wanted to type it out, I guess? And honestly, I'm fucking stoked I saw someone I knew on a reality show. haha.
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| Eek Embarrassed! |
[16 Oct 2009|11:23pm] |
I had the worst freudian slip today at work!
I meant to say, "Lyme disease is spread by ticks."
But I accidently said, "Lyme disease is spread by dicks."
lolololol
And of course the client was super cute. Oops.
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| Rant |
[16 Oct 2009|10:08am] |
Oh my god I am so fucked.
I was supposed to go to work at 2 today, so I would have had a few hours to do homework, but worked called and said they are super busy and need help so now I'm going in at 11 (off at 8). Then tomorrow I'm 11-8.
I have a biology essay due tomorrow at midnight that I have not even started.
I have a 160 question history quiz due Sunday before I have to take the actual exam, which I have no idea how long it is. Due before 10 PM Sunday.
Then History lecture and short essay due before 10 PM Sunday.
Then I have a Chemistry exam on Monday that I should have started studying for a week ago. I HAVE to do decent on this exam or I am super fucked.
Fuck fuck fuck. My chest is just so fucking tight with stress that sometimes it is hard to breathe.
I should not have told work I can go in. Fuck them, seriously. They have been making me feel like shit lately... so what do I do? Fuck myself over to help them.
I needed these three hours to do homework.
I'm going to bring my homework to work and do it at lunch and during any spare time. Suck on that, corporate douche bags who are going to pay me while I do homework.
Oh my God... how am I going to handle next semester? I don't even want to think about it.
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[08 Oct 2009|09:20pm] |
I want to learn to tap dance. Like, seriously. I'm too embarrassed to take classes, though... because, well, I'm 20 and I don't want to be in a beginners class with 8 years old, I have no rythem, and it is totally silly.
I took a Soma the other day. I got super fucked up... like drunk/couldn't walk. It was nuts. But it lasted like 20 minutes then I felt sober. Weird. And I chewed it so it kicked in in like 15 minutes. Also weird. Probably won't do that again. It felt like weed, except weed lasts for like 6 hours (which I hate - fun part is in the beginning, then it gets scary/annoying).
I'm still not used to my new tattoo. I absolutely LOVE it and it makes me smile and feel awesome. But with my other tattoos and my septum ring, it took me time to get comfortable with them. Like, during the first few weeks with my septum ring, I couldn't look people in the eyes because I was so self conscious... but now I feel super confidant with it. In fact, when I have it up, I feel uncomfortable (not completely, but less comfortable than I'd like). I can't wait to feel comfortable with my tattoo. Only a few weeks of discomfort to go!
Gah I don't want to work with Brandon tomorrow. lololol Amanda and Brandon were talking shit on me to Alma. DUDE. Seriously. Watch who you talk shit to about. Alma has a big fucking mouth and is my work bff and of course is going to tell me. Brandon talked to me last week at work about something not work related.... which hasn't happened in weeks. I do and don't want it to, either. I do, because I'm sick of the fucking awkwardness... but I don't because I want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Ok so I'm a doctor. Tom (my cat) got ringworm on his face, so I decided instead of using expensive topical medication from work, I would try using topical tea tree oil. It worked! Way faster than the meds at work. Woo. Will definitely gloat to Dr. May. I love Dr. May.
So I read a lot of articles on Yahoo news about relationships. There was one tonight about 8 habits that cause turmoil and ultimately lead to break ups. Dan and I don't do ANY of those 8 things. I know it is just an article, and while statistics are meaningful, every case is individual. But it just makes me happy that according to all these articles, Dan and I are in a SUPER healthy relationship.
I'm watching A Walk to Remember. <--- Gay
It seems I can't change the channel. Shane West is so fucking cute. Remember when he sang for the Germs? I sure do.
I feel so happy right now. I love my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
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| Well |
[05 Oct 2009|02:50pm] |
I cannot believe how bad I am doing in school. I have never done this bad in my life. I feel disheartened and like a failure.
I am cutting my hours back at work to focus more on school. And I am dropping trig. I found a loop hole to get into calculus, and hope to do it that way. I emailed my algebra teacher from last semester for advice, so I will not officially drop until he gets back to me.
I need to get my life back in order. I don't even want to, though, because my knees are holding me back so much. They're not holding me back in school though, so why am I letting them? I know I need to push on, but I just want a break from life. I want to not remember that my mom is dead and that Taco is dead, even just for a day. I want to make my room immaculately clean, and in order to do so my knees need to be better. I want to not need pain medication, which make me lack motivation in school.
I've started painting again. It has made me happy so far, even though I am pretty rusty.
I've been having terrible nightmares lately. I get them about 15 minutes after falling asleep.
The dreams really aren't scary, but there is this crazy terrifying feeling that it is real. I lay there asleep, screaming to myself to wake up and using all of my strength to open my eyelids. You will not understand the shear terror of that if you have never had that happen to you. I wake up shaking and breathing heavy and making sure it was actually a dream.
My mom is always in them. Not in a bad way, though. She is there in the beginning, and after she is gone then the dream turn into a nightmare.
Last night's dream took place at our old house (where most of my nightmares take place). My mom was sitting at the table and I was just talking to her. Tom (my cat) was laying on our old blue couch. I was looking through old pictures (pictures I actually have in real life) and then images of things that happened after the pictures were taken started appearing in them. Like a ghost from the future. I remember saying in my dream something like, "Wait, this hasn't happened until later in my life, that means this isn't real." Then I look up and my mom is gone. That was when the trying to wake up happened.
Nightmares go away!
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[23 Sep 2009|06:44pm] |
Ok so things are looking up.
My tranny died. Yeah, shitty. BUT to be honest, I'm stoked to put in (ok, for Dan and Sean to put in) a brand new transmission. It is going to be like I have a brand new car, but way more awesome. And I'm paying for it with some inheritance money, so it isn't putting me or Dan into debt or even costing near as much as a new car. Dan said he would fix my AC at the same time, too.
I'm failing trig. Not sure what I am going to do. I think I'm going to keep working hard, and if I bomb the next test like I did the one today, then I'll drop. (I have till Nov 20 to drop.)
My knees are still shitty and the doctor doesn't know what's wrong. So I'm on these meds with really scary side effects.
There are some personal problems at work among myself and two other members of the staff that is making working difficult on top of how shitty it is to work with my knees how they are. I hate being so limited and having to ask people for help all the damn time. But Dalila is manager and it is fucking awesome!
I think I have PMDD. It would explain so much. I don't want to go to the doctor for it, because she'll just make me go on birth control and I don't want to.
I bought 3 new dresses and I haven't worn any of them because my knees look disgusting and mutant.
I know all of that sounds shitty, and, well, it is. But I just feel optimistic right now, like I always used to. So things aren't bothering me as much. I hope this lasts. I am afraid I do actually have PMDD and that a week before my period I will become debilitatingly depressed again and then take the time during my period and a week after or so to snap out of it.
I got a new tattoo. It is awesomeeeeeee. I love it and cannot wait to be able to wear short sleeves again!
Also Dan and I are going camping this weekend and we are really excited :)
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[09 Sep 2009|06:49am] |
Ever since Bruce died, I have been plagued with this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Well, really ever since my mom died, but the worst has been brought out since Bruce. The guilt is physically painful and just like a cloud that hangs over me. When I am feeling happy, I can still see the cloud behind me and just know the rain is going to come soon.
The guilt turns into sadness and the sadness turns in to this awful feeling of worthlessness. Then I feel guilty for not being happy in this wonderful life I have. I look at everything good I have and feel like it should outweigh everything I've lost... but just, right now, it doesn't. Sometimes when I look at everything I'm in disbelief that I have it and I just feel like I don't deserve it. But I don't think I deserve all the shit that has been going on either. But I also feel like I do deserve it... not in a bad way, like I don't mean I deserve it because I'm a bad person, but I deserve it just as someone deserves to tear their favorite sweatshirt.
I need to stop this.
What happened to knowing happiness was a choice? Well, I guess I always believed that, unless something was totally out of your complete control (like someone dying or getting in a plane crash). How much of my life is out of my control, though?
I can't shake my beliefs... I've tried. I feel like God or whoever is trying to make me, but I just can't.
I've been up since 6 am. I can't sleep much anymore, even with vicodin, or whatever I decide to take the night before. I don't feel tried, I just feel completely unmotivated.
Thankfully, I know I'm PMSing right now, which is making everything worse. So at least my constant horrible mood will turn into being bipolar again.
I miss being happy all the time. It was unrealistic to think that would last forever, though, right?
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| The Tool Academy 2 |
[03 Sep 2009|07:37pm] |
The Tool Academy is fucking HILARIOUS.
The only thing worse than those douche bag guys is their stupid fucking girlfriends who put up with them.
Like, it shouldn't be the tool academy, it should be, "Reality show to give girls who date complete assholes enough self esteem to realize they deserve a nice guy."
lololol
It's funny that I voluntarily watch a show where I absolutely hate everyone on it. I would not put up with one of those guys for a minute.
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[28 Aug 2009|04:06pm] |
I think it is time to rethink my entire philosophy on life.
Life, please stop being so shitty. Seriously.
I cannot handle one more travesty for quite awhile.
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[26 Aug 2009|04:41am] |
So it's 4:40 AM. I've been up since 2 with a 101 fever.
I have the shittiest immune system ever.
I better not get sick. Holy shit. First fucking week of school.
I don't feel sick, I am just having hot and cold flashes... typical fever stuff. However, that is how the Murine Typhus started. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
What if I get sick again? What if I become immobile again? What if I have to drop out of school because I'm fucking stuck in bed for a month? I don't even want to think about it.
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[13 Aug 2009|09:04pm] |
I had a terrible nightmare about my mom's last husband last night. The type I thought was real upon waking.
I hate him. Hate, hate, hate him with every angry fiber in my body.
I miss Taco so much. Nothing feels right without him. My daily routine feels off and short. Waking up is different. Going to sleep is different. Eating meals feels different. Being away feels different.
Alma keeps asking me all these questions about her rats and telling me stories and every time I just want to cry.
Missing Taco makes me miss my mom even more.
I've tried to start just letting myself feel it out, instead of distracting myself. It is hard. I hate crying. I hate being sad.
It is surreal, really. Sometimes I forget she's dead.
And I still come home and expect to see Taco run out of his house to greet me. Still.
I finally took Bruce's cage down, too. It was hard. Very hard.
Hard because of my knee. And even harder because this was the last time I was going to see it. I kept all his toys and I threw his hair outside so animals can build nests with it.
Taco's cage is still up. I don't know when I'll be ready to take it down.
At least Roseanne is on.
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[20 Jul 2009|08:19am] |
I think the thing I miss the absolute most about school is writing notes to friends and getting notes from friends.
We wrote SO many notes in middle school. We folded them in fancy ways, too. I had at least two passbooks at a time, as well. My favorite passbook was with Cristina Landeros.
I have every single note that was ever written to me.
In high school (actually, it started when I was in 8th, she was in 9th), Angie and I created this elaborate fantasy life that we had together, and we would always email, AIM, and write notes about. I have a lot of the emails and AIM conversations saved, too. Basically, we were married (me wifey, she husband) and we had these crazy kids and Benny the seal. They were only aloud to drink out of dixie cups. We shipped the kids to boarding school and had run ins with the milk men.
We pretty much made it up as we went along. And whenever one of us would forget something (which was easy) we gave each other a ton of shit and threatened divorce. We also had a special husband/wifey greeting that looked ridiculous and we got stared at all them time for. We still greet like this, at 20 years old. We still look ridiculous and we still don't care.
One time, we created this website on like Geocities or something. It was about our adventures, with pictures. The thing I remember most is we took a black and white picture, and she was in PJ pants and she put a popcycle through the fly and I was sucking on it and smiling at the camera; you had to do a double take.
I don't miss much about school, at all. Friends here and there, teachers here and there, sneaking off campus here and there, etc. etc.
But I miss notes and how during the few minutes it took to write them and read them, you escaped the exhaustion of lectures and the urge to drop out.
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[13 Jul 2009|10:23am] |
I whole heartedly believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. I do not think anything just happens because. I hear a lot of people say that they think only some things happen for a reason. But how can one thing happen for a reason and one thing not? That is like saying two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom sometimes make something other than water. It just doesn't work that way. Just because the reason for something is less obvious, doesn't mean there isn't one.
A series of events has taken me to where I am today.
Every single day I am grateful for my life; grateful for how lucky I am and how easy things are. But lately it has been hard to be.
I'll explain.
A month ago, an orphaned litter of wild rats showed up on my doorstep. I couldn't leave them, as hesitant as I was. So I took them to work with me. I got shit all day for what a bad idea this was. I called two wild life rescues, both said they euthanize rats, as they are vectors for disease. So I talked to Dr. May about euthanizing them here. He was reaching for his keys to get the death juice, when I told him to wait, I didn't know what I wanted to do yet.
I decided I'd give it a day, just to see how they are eating.
The next day, they were all alive and eating better than the day before. I took them back to work with me and Dr. Sihata dosed them with flea preventative to kill their fleas.
I started summer school the Monday after. I quickly learned chemistry is hard. I made a friend in the class right away; she is a couple years older than me, married with a new daughter. She likes to talk about herself a lot, but I don't mind, since there were no awkward silences.
The rats opened their eyes and became very attached to me. I was in contact with someone from a rat forum who lived 20 minutes from me. She said she would foster them, so I don't have to worry about releasing. She seemed really persistent about taking them right away. I told her I didn't want to give them up yet... I just wanted to see them grow a bit more.
Taco started getting sick. He was wasting away in front of me; his muscle mass had decreased by at least 70%; I could see every bone in his body and feel his organs. He would only eat baby food, which means I had to prepare meals for him. He would put himself into dehydration, and then drink like there was no tomorrow (very bad for kidneys). I already spent a lot of time with him (though he liked to run around my room and then just go to sleep in my bed), but now I spent even more, especially considering he could not run around the room like before. I ignored friends and school (only a little).
Dr. Shihata and I started him on a course of Baytril and gave a dex (a steroid) injection. Then he started doing better. He was eating his regular food (and the amount seemed to increase everyday). He loved his antibiotics. He was eating his vitamins and letting me give him his ear medication. He seemed to be really happy when he was with me, so I let him be with me as much as possible. I even got a bad rash on my chest due to his nails irritating my skin.
Bruce got sick. I put up a pen next to my bed so I could watch him. He was barely eating or drinking, so I gave him some critical care, thinking he was going into GI Stasis. He still cuddled with me.
The next morning, he was drooling and grunting involuntarily. I brought him to my work right away. Dr. Shihata panicked, and said she didn't know what to do. We tried what we could, but he had a heart attack at the hospital. He died in my arms.
They sent me home, obviously.
This was a terrible time for him to die, with Taco and everything. But at the same time, Taco was a great distraction.
After Bruce died, Taco seemed to get even better. I think he knew that I needed him.
We decided to release the wild rats, because once I stopped hand feeding them, they became very wild and terrified of everything. They had about a week before I could release them.
A week after Bruce died, I got sick. I had 103 fever and really terrible chills and sweats. I couldn't go to work obviously, so what did I do? I stayed in bed with Taco. When I was real uncomfortable, he seemed to know, and would walk to the end of the bed to sleep with Tom instead of me.
Even though my fever was gone and I felt better, I could barely walk because my leg hurt so bad, and I still had a rash on my hands and feet.
I went to the doctor, and she is positive I got something from the rats. Most likely murine typhus (though they did not do a test for that, as I would need a specialist). She sent me home on antibiotics, and assumed my leg hurt due to sleep pains.
Later that evening, my leg hurt so bad I couldn't even get out of bed. We had to go to the ER.
So we went, they did a bunch of blood tests and gave me pain meds. The ER doctor agreed with the doctor I saw earlier, except he thinks my leg pain is related.
He gave me a prescription for vicodin and told me to monitor for a few things and recheck in a couple of days.
I went to school on Thursday, so I missed three days. Three days of a summer class is like two-three weeks of a regular semester.
I still couldn't work, as I can't bend my knee and walking/standing for a while hurts. Work wasn't mad, they told me to take the week off. So I just stayed in bed with Taco.
On Friday, my dad wanted me to go to the ER, as my knee was really swollen now (something the ER doctor told me to monitor for). I really did not want to go... I even cried I didn't want to go so bad. But I went and they gave me an awesome IV pain med and took 50 cc's of fluid out of my knee. The fluid did not have any bacteria in it, so the sent me home. My knee felt a lot better after the fluid was drained, but it filled back up by the time I left.
I got home at 3 AM. I was too tired to get Taco out to sleep with me, so I just went to bed.
Saturday morning, Dr. Shihata called to see how I was doing. After I got off the phone with her, Taco crawled out of his house, which was unusual, because lately I've had to coax him out (even though it is hard to get him to go in in the first place). I went and brought him in bed with me, and I just knew today would be his last day.
As I said in my previous entry, we spent 6 hours together before he passed.
I am so grateful for that; I was so afraid of him dying alone.
My point?
If I hadn't got the rats, I would not have gotten sick.
If I wasn't sick, I wouldn't have gotten all that extra time with Taco (all the time spent in bed, missing school and work).
And mostly, if I wasn't sick, I would have been at work when Taco died. And he would have died alone... which I was so afraid of.
If Bruce wouldn't have died when he did, I wouldn't have had Taco to distract me. (Everyone I have talked to is almost positive he had some underlying genetic defect, which means it would have been a matter of time.)
If I wouldn't have been sick, I wouldn't have missed those three days of school. If Taco didn't die, I would have been able to catch up. My illness and Taco's passing have forced me to drop my summer class and enroll for the same class in the fall, making my fall class load much easier. Dropping the class is not good, in fact, I feel like a total failure, but I'm sure the reason for it will be apparent soon.
I'm really depressed because of all this. I know I'll be ok soon, but I just don't want to deal with anything right now.
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[12 Jul 2009|07:43pm] |
So to continue from my last post,
Well I don't even remember the last thing I said in it.
But it took Taco about 6 hours to pass. I imagine he was uncomfortable, but he did not seem scared or in a lot of pain. I didn't euthanize him for a couple of reasons: the fact that he seemed comfortable (as comfortable as one could be), the fact that I can't drive because of my leg, and that I just couldn't handle going to the vet and being there.
So, he just stayed with me for the 6 hours. I even took him to the bathroom with me.
As time went on, he started to become paralyzed. That was the hardest part to watch. That must have been so scary for him.
Everybody who has talked to me about Taco knows that I would have (and I did) whatever I could to keep him alive. However, I would not keep him alive if he was suffering. I am not that selfish. Even the day before he died, he was eating, drinking, getting around, licking me, etc. Every time I left my house, I told Taco to be there when I got back. My biggest fear for him was that he would die alone.
Yesterday, instead of telling him to stay with me and keep fighting, I kept telling him to go. That was so hard to say and think.
I knew it was happening, when it did. He was on my stomach and my finger was over his heart, while my other hand cupped the bottom for his body.
I told him I loved him, and that he was the best pet ever. And I told him it was ok to leave, that I would be fine. Then I felt his heart start to beat really fast, then he stopped breathing, then his body was shaking, and then his heart stopped. I just broke down.
I want him back... so bad.
I feel like my number of pets has been cut in half (not that the number I have is important, or my other pets are not important). Because Taco got most of my attention and Bruce took up the most room. I can't believe they're both gone.
I really feel like the only reason Taco fought so hard to stay alive for the last few weeks was because Bruce died, and he didn't want me to lose him right after. I know that sounds crazy, but I really feel like it is true.
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[12 Jul 2009|09:30am] |
Yesterday, I had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Shihata. She called to see how I was feeling and if I needed anything. She told me about work and that she finished the skeleton (I bought her a kit to build a wooden skeleton) and she named him Bruce. She asked how Taco was and then we hung up.
Right after, I heard Taco crawl out of his house. I went and got him so he could spend time in bed with me. He wasn't ok. He was breathing with his mouth open and was so weak. I just laid down and he was laying on my chest with a heating pad, since he was so cold.
About an hour later, I posted an entry, just because I felt so alone and helpless. All it basically said was "Fuck (a lot of fucks) Taco is dying in my arms. I miss him already." Followed by more "fucks."
Then he had a little bit of food and water, so I deleted the entry, because that made me hopeful.
I tried doing my chemistry homework with Taco on my lap. I didn't understand the material and I couldn't concentrate because of Taco. Why was I doing homework or Taco's last day?
I called Dan, desperate for help, but mostly company. He said he would come over to help with chemistry.
He came and he brought me McDonalds. He asked how I was and I couldn't look at him. I don't really remember the conversation, but I think that was the moment I really realized Taco was going to die. I ate my food slowly and talked to Dan about how much I'm going to miss Taco. He kept telling me that I'm a really strong person, which I am, but I think I'm a strong person because of my pets.
Especially Taco.
He has been with me since December 22nd 2006.
Through the divorce
High school graduation
Starting college
The move
The break up
Kitty
My mom
And then he stuck around to be with me when Bruce died.
I know he was "just" a rat. I know. But if I hear one more person say that to, I will rip their fucking eyes out. No one understands. My connection and bond with Taco was stronger than any bond I have ever had. There were no expectations, no disappointments, no standards, and there was so much love. Taco is/was my only pet who wanted to be with me, just to be with me. He didn't care if I pet him or gave him treats while he spent time with me.
He started going downhill about a month ago. He started losing function of his back legs, so it was hard for him to get around and balance. For the first few days, I wasn't very hopeful; it was hard to get him to eat and drink. I remember Dan came over one night and he asked how I was and I just looked down and stated crying, "Taco if dying." I said.
Then he started eating and drinking. Then he started eating more. Then he started trying to walk around (though it was hard, he could do it). His will to live seemed to increase with the more time I spent with him, so I spent as much time as I could. He even started sleeping with me, so he didn't have to spend 8 hours in his cage alone. Depending on how I was sleeping, he would either sleep on my chest under my shirt or on my back under my shirt. The last week, since I've had this problem with my leg, I've had to sleep on my side. So he started spreading out and sleeping across my neck and I would place my hand over him for extra warmth, and we would just wake up that way and it was so nice.
I have a lot more to say, but I'm crying so much I can't see the screen.
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[14 Jun 2009|06:30pm] |
So long story short, I am taking care of (rehabilitating) seven baby (wild) rats. I've had them since Friday morning and they are doing great. I'm surprised actually. Every morning I brace myself for one (or more) to be dead... but so far so good. They are absolutely adorable. I felt really overwhelmed a couple hours after I decided to take them in on Friday. I brought them to work with me and since they weren't used to not having their mom, I had a real hard time feeding them. I was really considering euthanizing them. Thankfully Lindsay stepped in and encouraged me not to and that I could do it and it is better to give them a chance (even if it would be really hard for me to see them die). And now they eat great and wake up on their own when I come to feed them. I'm excited for their eyes to open!
On Friday night when I got home from work, I grabbed some dinner and let Taco out. A bit later he jumped up on my bed and onto my lap and I noticed he had blood all over his tail. I freaked out. I did a full inspected and he looked fine... then I looked in his cage and his bed was soaked in blood; there were even clotted puddles. I did another inspection and saw that he ripped an entire toenail off. I was so upset. But he is fine and is not bleeding and hopefully will not accidently rip any more toenails off.
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imcoolwithmy_xs's journal
